(repost from 05/07/2007 comment on story)

i was having a chat with my good pal, c, and she brought up a hopeful concept.

i don't see myself as being political, mostly because i think politics = a game where no rules ARE the rules, and it's okay to lie and cheat. not the kind of game i want to play.

but if you look at ignorance in a general sense, most of it comes from a time when people lived comfortably in that ignorance. just because the laws changed doesn't mean that people changed. but generations that followed were educated and cultured, and have grown to understand so much more than those that came before us---about being human and respectful.

the people that still have left-over prejudices will soon be wearing big-people nappies, and drooling on themselves, while clearer hearts will be in positions of power. i'm not saying that politics will turn fair quickly---or at all---i'm just saying that there's hope for a younger brand of wisdom to make it thru the muck of mediocrity, and steer this country to smarter, kinder, better ways.

while it sucks you went thru captain cardboard's twisted imposed pocket-reality, it is kinda good you didn't do something insane-O like marry the guy before finding out something so fundamental.

i once had a yuck i almost married. i thank God every day that he morphed into a total shit and left me. whew! dodged a bullet!

your beauty and wonder are properties of YOU. don't let mr. mcSleeze occupy another second of your time. you've been set free! even the universe knew he wasn't good enough for you. - k

(repost from 05/27/2007 post)

thanks, k, for sharing your thoughts after reading the story and my thoughts. so i am posting your thoughts here, as well, as others may also have thoughts to share.

hm.

I can't help but feel overwhelmed by...?

I don't even know how to describe the sensations I currently host.

On the one hand, I am inclined to sympathize with your experience. I have to admit, I too have encountered several--and by several I mean countless--occasions where this same scenario has panned out. Perhaps I have become numb, the shock of such "ignorance" having worn off after repeating incidences. At this point, it rolls right off, without even a flicker. Most times I find myself amused at the remarks. Utter disbelief really. It doesn't stem from any feelings of anger nor shame. Instead, it's merely: wow [?!] to the effect of "wtf" minus the emphasis, as I shake my head.

I once had a co-worker comment that I was quite pretty for a Chinese woman, considering that he had been to China before and they were all rather unattractive. I believe he meant it as a huge compliment, though I can't help but feel a little insulted. And as much as I would like to say that I don't take these things personally, the fact that I can vividly recall that conversation evidently illustrates otherwise.

After having been exposed to such reoccurring incidences, as aforementioned, I find myself posed with philosophical queries as well. After all, an individual's perspective on/in life has a geat deal to do with their upbringing, and could I really blame someone if they are SINCERELY ignorant? And by blame, I don't mean that the individual is free of accountability, but rather... could I really be ANGRY at that person?

Feelings of hurt may naturally arise, but if I in turn reserve the right to counteract with notions of my own superiority and freedom from such ignorance, am I not being ignorant as well? And to that extent, am I not worse insofar as I believe myself so far above such unknowingness??

I suppose a great deal is also inextricably tied to how one defines or understands "ignorance" to mean and also what emotion is aroused as a result. To react angrily and feel superior, I would have to contend that on some level, it's quite possible that ignorance of one's own pretentiousness can be found. Where the root of such superiority grows from will/may vary. Upbringing perhaps, or even to mask feelings of inferiority or maybe to distance oneself from a shared trait.

Yet, if ignorance is synonymous with naive, innocenct or lacking in knowledge, one might be apt to excuse whatever act--however horrendous or minute. Would this then create a vacuum of unaccountability? No one ever feeling the need to be compassionate nor understanding? Stuck within a little bubble that may snow ball into another Jim Crowesque situation? Or am I falling prey to creating a world of what-if's under no reasonable means?

Consequently, I feel compelled to question my own sincerity for the desire to find a satisfying resolution.

RECAP:
First, I am evidently not ignorant because I understand the injury. I am also further excused of ignorance because I don't react angrily in response thereby demonstrating my benevolence and compassion. [aren't I great and smart now?!] But... could there be a next level? Perhaps simple contemplation without extrapilating any sort of emotional attachment. ZEN.

Ultimately. my constant need to "feel better" about myself and how I react to any given situation presents me with the conundrum: SELF-IDENTITY. Why do I care? What does it matter? If I am so "confident" as I would like to be, can anyone really harm me? Emotionally? Psychologically??

In a perfect world, I would like to accept a situation for what it is and move on. I haven't learned how to achieve that yet. A constant theme that seems to be prevalent this year so far is that I know a lot of things, but I fall short of understanding them.

In the end, I find myself asking: What's the point? Does it matter? Do I really care?
Answer: Yes, but maybe not enough. or maybe too much...

Despite it all, I do thrive on the dialogue. And yes, it's feeding my ego because it makes me feel smart.

again, thanks, k,

for taking a couple hours of your time to share.

r|thoughts: about "my foreigner" ...

(repost from 05/15/2007 post)

i wrote this little short story, my foreigner. my intent? to write. to express a recent event in my life. to share my disappointment and surprise.

when i shared this story with friends, the responses ranged from "are you serious?" (e.g., disbelief) to "what a dick head!" (e.g., anger). as a result, i've found myself reiterating the intent of the story to my friends - letting them know i wrote the story to emphasize that it was my becoming aware of his ignorance, which i intended to express. i've tried to figure out edits - edits to elicit a reader's first response of "wow, that is kinda ignorant!" or "what a bummer to find that out about him!" or "i wonder if he knew what he was saying?!" - basically, elicit a reader's response that, preferably, did not involve anger.

inevitably, several conversations have resulted, with expressions and feedback - disappointment, shock, ignorance, confusion, profiling, patriotism, family upbringing, values, conservatism, liberalism, being american, and racism, to name just a few.

in the story, i wrote, "and that was when i realized i knew what ignorant meant." and in fact, it was that moment - actually, one of two memorable moments for me that evening, that i felt like i had been kicked in the gut - in the heart, even. i felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me. there i was, in a relationship with a man that i wanted to continue getting to know. for the time i had spent with him, i thought of him as funny, witty, caring, pensive, interesting, intense, law-abiding, nostalgic, intelligent, creative, opinionated, impatient, complex, and several other characteristics. conversations with him always were enjoyable and dynamic. i always felt encouraged to have open, honest, and shared conversations.

however, at that moment in his apartment, i remember having some sort of unexplainable response, while i was sitting there. i just wanted to leave politely. i didn't want to share my thoughts with him. i wasn't sure why i felt that way. now? i have continued to ponder. so some thoughts -

ignorance ... confusion ... disappointment ... disbelief ... uncertainty ... surprise ... discovery ... sadness ... shock ...

will revisit these thoughts later.

my foreigner

(repost from a 05/03/2007 post)

a saddening moment late one evening back when i had been dating someone for about 2 months. however, it was a turning point - in fact, a bit of a mini-epiphany that has led me to an on-going growing interest in ignorance (mine, others, ...) on a variety of levels. here's a little slice of that late night moment ...

my foreigner

"... and maybe it's their culture ... but they are here now ... don't they ... these foreigners ... oh. uh ... no offense. you know. and ..."

i was less than 7 feet away from him in his less then 500 sq ft studio apartment. it was midnight. he slowly paced back and forth in front of me, justifying why he asked his neighbor to refrain from talking loudly. i agreed. it was disrespectful of his neighbor. a nightly event, his neighbor was outside talking on the telephone. i was inside sitting on one of three chairs - four chairs, if i counted the ottoman. he stood between his doorway and me. this would be the first and last time i visited his apartment.

i was certain i heard him say "... oh. uh ... no offense. ..." who might he have offended? his door was closed. his neighbor did not hear him.

"... oh. uh ... no offense. ..." he waved with what i later understood to be a preemptive, pacifying, left hand gesture toward me, while he paced back and forth and continued to talk. when he exclaimed about the need for foreigners to adapt and assimilate to the american culture, on occasion, he looked over his shoulder at me.

he really did say "... oh. uh ... no offense. you know. and ..." was I not to take offense? and his hand gesture? i knew i was american - filipino-american. he knew i was born in florida. certainly there was no reason for me to take offense. i knew i was not a foreigner. would a foreigner, however he defined one, be offended by his statements? it's simply bad manners to be disruptive at midnight.

he qualified his statements about adapting and assimilating. his context seemed credible, to explain the reasons behind his statements, to assure some rational thought. he was clear and specific. in fact, i believed he had valid perspectives. at least, for several minutes, he sounded educated and informed.

"uh, wait. what the hell? do you think i'm a foreigner? you know, don't you, that i'm not a foreigner? right? i'm not a foreigner."

born in the united states with a father who always extolled the virtues and opportunities of being an american citizen - i voted. my parents raised their family as bi-cultural, with the american slant more prominent. he? he was a european mix. he was american. he, too, was not a foreigner.

"oh? right. uhm..." with an awkward silence, his pacing stopped. then he faced me, shoulders squared-off, about 5 feet away from me. "well ..."

i interrupted him, "you understand that i'm not a foreigner. right?" more awkward silence as he stood still.

"well, you know what i mean? ... " he stepped back a few feet - resuming his pacing, rationalizing, and explaining. and that was when i realized i knew what ignorant meant.

i interrupted his explanations, for the last time. "i hear what you think you mean. i hear. i understand. ... " i began to explain what i understood. i believed i would convince him of what he did not understand. then with my voice trailing off, suddenly, i realized my disappointment. i knew i was not a foreigner. he did not. i no longer commented. he had his stage. it was his home. this was his soliloquy. i was his audience, very eager to leave his chair for the first and last time.

while he spoke again, i began to realize that i was someone else in his eyes, in his mind, and perhaps in his heart. my "looking different" and "being different" from him, which he often expressed as part of his strong attraction to me, afforded something else.

often he would say, "your eyes are different. you're cute. your skin is different. you have a different look than me, which i find sensual. you grew up differently. look how small you are. i know you are more than asian. i like that your dad raised you american." what i had understood to be observations and compliments began to have different meanings.

foreigner.

i might simply be that someone to adapt and assimilate to standards he held, and until then, he might consider my actions, my convictions, my values, and my beliefs as foreign to him - not to be shared with him. i - not someone to be understood by him, not someone of equal value to him. he - not someone who respected me, not the someone i believed i knew. that night, he became my foreigner. no offense.

[by Shirley © 2007]

BetterMe Coaching Tool

surprise?! ...

gonna start (re)blogging again, and just blowing off the dust and cobwebs (uhm ... from the blog). revisiting and regrouping on YHD (finally!), so first step - health stuff.

BetterMe Coaching Tool: "The Go Red BetterMe Coaching Tool is the perfect companion to the Go Red BetterU 12-week program. Every day, you'll get tips, reminders, and more sent directly to your tool. You'll also be able to chat directly with other members of the program on the “Wall” share tips, motivational quotes, and work through barriers with others. You can also access and edit your journal entries directly from the tool."

more to come.

f|back: what i value ...

coupled with my 1994 epiphany, i had a set of values for catalysts: a network promoting intelligent change. below is what evolved since the original 1994 version (click image on the right).

since 1994, i have refined my mission|vision|values statements - it's part of the lens that i look through as i walk through and participate in life.

The CATALYST’s VALUES are based on

the following RELATIONAL ELEMENTS:

• Catalysts RESPECT that an individual is a member of multiple COMMUNITIES –FAMILY, SCHOOL, FAITH, EMPLOYER, TOWN, NATION, and WORLD.
  
  

• Catalysts encourage each individual to be RESPONSIBLE for his or her community.
  
  

• Catalysts challenge each community to be ACCOUNTABLE to each individual.
  
  

• Catalysts APPRECIATE each individual in a community is UNIQUE yet shares common goals.
  
  

• Catalysts ACKNOWLEDGE that each community has a FINITE mix of individuals.
  
  
  

COMMUNITIES AND BUSINESSES WILL DISCOVER THAT
DIVERSITY IN THE ENERGY MARKETPLACE

CAN PROVIDE GREATER OPTIONS
IN ACHIEVING MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL

AIR QUALITY OBJECTIVES

• Catalysts stimulate DISCUSSION among communities and businesses toward Collaborative and Results-oriented decision making for practical, creative, and cost-effective Solutions.
  
  

• Catalysts enhance AWARENESS of a community’s and business’s interactions with, and responsibilities toward, the Environment.
  
  

• Catalysts commit during a community’s and business’s PLANNING phase of economic development, energy management and environmental compliance to Integrate and Implement public policies.
  
  

• Catalysts provide CHOICES for communities and businesses to make informed decisions for Sustainability.
  
  

• Catalysts identify and present economic OPPORTUNITIES for a community based on Directing growth and Connecting key community and business objectives.
  
  

• Catalysts choose to RENEW communities to accomplish their goals toward Restoration and Preservation of the environment.

a little about the original values ... they were crafted as a result of constant re-hashing and (re)interpretation of my "tracing paper scribbles" - what looked like many disparate ideas, flow charts, and doodles, turned out to serve as my discovery of what moves me in life. and for at least ~13 years, i was directly expressing many elements of my mission|vision|values through my consulting practice and related professional and personal development activities. i am glad i did not let others who mocked me and my ideas deter me from the scribble-fest of ideas.

feels wonderful to reconnect.

f|back (may '07): my 1994 epiphany and vision

(repost from 05/18/07)

in may 1994, an early saturday morn ... around 5:30 am (pacific), i had an epiphany. from it - the following -

There are BRIDGES yet to be constructed by those who live and

breathe in their ENVIRONMENT — AIR, LAND and WATER. Egos stand firm

on the ground that they were born and choose not to acknowledge that

to get one step closer they must go one step FURTHER.

MY VISION IS TO CREATE THOSE BRIDGES.

[by Shirley © 1994]

a little context ... i was living in san diego, and for nearly 3 years, i had been working for a large corporation's environmental department. meanwhile, california was going through the beginning of electric utility restructuring. for several months, posted in my open workspace was a quote translated from louis pasteur's -

"dans les champs de l'observation le hasard ne favorise que les esprits préparés."

translated as -

in the field of observation, chance favors the prepared mind.

and for quite some time beginning toward the end of 1993, i also was experiencing amazing coincidences, which of course i realized later weren't necessarily coincidences but more along the lines of "... the prepared mind." nevertheless ...

a whirlwind began early in '94 ... meeting people and making new friends, reconnecting with old friends and work colleagues, chance meetings resulting in the beginning of an expanding network of people in the environmental field, creating opportunities for friends, ... and amidst all this excitement, i also had challenging work circumstances - gnarly working relationships with a select few, literally negative work space, and did i say gnarly working relationships. (ask me about what may have been "group therapy" with ratepayer dollars, who knows?!) ... and among all this, i also had some sort of funky atypical eyeball thing going on (which no longer exists).

coffee talk ... to keep sane, i coffee-d regularly after work at least two evenings a week with a good friend, dash. to collect my thoughts, i carried a large leather satchel around with a journal, prismacolor pencils, and tracing paper. later, i added a voice recorder because ideas were flying around. i constantly journal'd, scribbled, sketched, and talked about what i saw in the future and how i may possibly shape it.

the result ... what i consider my '94 epiphany.