Sunday, January 9, 2011

music and paintings touch my soul ...

the love project ... the week 2 assignment (your love goals) of the love project has started, and i am playing catch-up. (i wrote a little about it over here, also.) for now, i feel like i am auditing the love project - just sitting in, taking notes, ready for when i jump in AND catch-up. (and i will jump in!) meanwhile, i want to share a connect-the-dots moment that happened on the last day of 2010. i wrote an email to my friend kelly.
side note ... when intense thought is needed, i listen to a special mix of music that seems to power me through (most of the time) any mental block or moments of procrastination. and it is a hard-pressed moment to steer me clear of whatever task i am doing while i am listening to that special mix. that hard-pressed moment came on december 31.

back story ... back in november, i shared (over here) about a friend, who is a wonderful artist (over here), who's husband and best friend died. and back in december, i shared about my new friend (over here), who also is the creator of the love project.

my little catharsis ... into the new year, i was sitting at my fave coffee house (paddy's coffee), doing some cubeopolis work, listening to my when i think music mix (which includes the late jeff buckley), and then ... bawling my eyes out. i found myself writing an email to an artist friend in san diego and a comment to a new-found-via-reverb10 friend in colorado. i realized my bawling was all for the connectedness with and love of those we meet in life - short-lived, fleeting, web buddies, life partners, family members, pets, ... - you name it.

my note to my artist friend, or shall i just say to my friend? ... here is the email i wrote to my artist friend throughout the december 31 morning after and during the initial (yes, there was more than one moment) bawling. i have edited it a bit here and there (mainly because i'm a dork and used ball rather than bawl - haha - go figure.) but have retained the feel and sentiment. kelly is actually an artist that i met while i was living in san diego. she's one of my "artist" friends who has touched my soul. (i wrote about another friend, adolfo, over here.)

hallelujah with love ... and after that email and the bawling of my eyes, i visited yvette's blog to catch-up and came across her december 30 post about hallelujah lyracist and her friend craig. bawling moment again. it was a cathartic morning - a good morning, that december 31st.
i continue to think and be reminded of you ...

... in a good way, kelly. and i'm bawling my eyes out - perhaps with you - albeit miles away.

you are a strong, feeling, forthright, and beautiful person. and it's all i can do from patting myself on the back the day i decided to call/email you after seeing your beautiful paintings at urban grind ... and it's all i can do from hugging you the day you agreed to meet for dinner at parkhouse eatery, and you shared an awesome triptych (... white trash? on black - cigs, and i forget the rest). it's all i can do from wanting to hug you now!

so i want to say ... i am humbled to be part of your life - even in a little corner of your life on facebook - for which you share with so many others your raw emotions.

i can't believe i'm sharing what i'm going to share with you, and so i hope you know it comes from a place i didn't know yet existed - and i am thankful. i know that if i was in san diego, i would have called you to just say "hey" and see how you are doing - good, bad, numb, loved, ... just to know you are being you. i wish i could hug you right now (and find some goddamn tissue!!!).

i'm tearing up while listening to a song. i hear another song and i tear up even more. (i'm lying - i'm not tearing up ... i am fucking bawling my eyes out.)

REWIND ...
i'm sitting in my friend's coffee shop (up here in union city) this morn - just catching up on facebook, blogging (writing and reading), and contemplating end of the year shit. and all i want to do is type this note (and call you). so i type the note - and continue to bawl.

i wake up every morning with the beauty of the painting from you that hangs in my bedroom. and as you may imagine, that painting has taken on so much more meaning for me, and rightfully so. i love it more than ever. this morning was no different ...

so here i am keyboarding and surfing ... listening to my itunes mix that i've titled "when i think ..." - a jeff buckley song comes on, last goodbye - and i just start to bawl.

i have NO IDEA why i am bawling and then ...

... you rush into my mind - amelie paintings, the coffee shop/urban grind, parkhouse eatery, artwalk, starbucks, (i'm still bawling), tidbits of conversations we've had flash in my head (your love for your brother, jeff buckley, dave's lighting and fashion, coping moments, happy pills, artwalk, stupid politics, ...) - - - i walk out of the coffee shop to compose myself and find a napkin or something other than my sleeves - - - and more tidbits of faux-conversations i imagine we are having through posts on your facebook, email reminders from you of fabulous things you are doing, (i'm STILL bawling) and just those little reaching out moments.

i call a friend, thinking i'll stop crying. i do. i walk back into the coffee shop. i continue to type this note. i start to tear up again.

i did not know dave very much at all, but i know you two very much love each other. i remember reading the unfolding updates of dave's health, the evolution of the memorial, the outpouring of love, and the absolutely immense community you have created among so many.

and perhaps, like many others, i know you only in that way that many have fallen in love with your paintings and the heart and soul that is clearly part of your paintings - and so like the many others, i feel so connected to you. i realize you don't have to take time out of your day when i have come to visit san diego, yet you have. (i am long past due.)

and then, my music mix continues ... lamb's song comes on my mix as i'm typing this - gorecki ... if you know the song, then you have likely figured out how this song reminds me of you and your love, dave.

(now i am bawling my eyes out again)

PRESENT TIME ...
napkins abound. soy latte spent. and hoping this note did not bum you out but allows you a little moment today to know that i love that your love of dave has touched my soul - and i love that you have touched my soul.

from the the girl bawling her eyes out at paddy's coffee shop ... and proud of it, dammit -
shirlnutkin
puffy heart to those i love

*connecting the dots shirlnutkin style ...
favorite coffee house in union city, music mix, jeff buckley,
last goodbye, kelly, lamb's gorecki, hallelujah, love project

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